Physician; · heal · thyself

As Sami has already said, Eric is back in hospital. His condition has worsened, and the dialysis isn't working that well anymore. Roman and I were there, but Roman convinced me to come back home to rest before I go back to the hospital tomorrow. I've asked my secretary to cancel my appointments for this week, I just can't bring myself to really leave Eric there.

Easter is a time for renewal, for hope, for new life. I am praying with my whole heart that the joy and the newness of the season shows itself through my son.

I just....I can't let him die.

Well, as Eric has already said, my son has kidney disease. I was very surprised to say the least. I understand why he lied about it, but I am now worried about him. I know he is getting excellent care at Salem General, but I worry about the disease progressing. I love my children, and would do anything for him. Lucas, I read your offer to Eric in your comment to Eric's post and I truly thank you for that.

I think the worst part about the kidney operation is that someone else may have to die for Eric to live. I want my son to live...but at the expense of someone else's life? It's such a huge price....at the very least, it could make a tragic end not so terrible.

What else is going on? Well, I am going to be having a meeting with Jennifer and her daughter, Mackenzie, very soon. I know that they were going to Florida this month, so once they are back and re-settled, we're going to start working with Mackenzie.

I had Will here the other night while Sami was at the hospital with Eric. We had some good bonding time over hot chocolate and cookies I picked up at a 24-hour grocery store before I got him from his friend's place. Arther seems like a very nice friend for Will, very respectful boy. Man. My gosh, my grandson is becoming a man...it feels like just yesterday he was still a little guy.

Anyways, I taught Will how to play euchre, and he seemed to like it. He went to bed a tad later than he should have, but he was up and at school in time. He's worried about his Uncle Eric, naturally, and I hope he's talked further with Sami about some of his other fears. Will was always aware of what was going on around him, and this time is no exception.

Anyways, I am off to go and do some running around before I meet up with Anna for a girl's night at dinner.

Belle, sweetie, you and Ben should stop by sometime soon. I haven't seen you two since before the court case, and I miss you both.

Well, it's been a while, but I thought I would update again.

Eric's been by a couple of times to visit. He helped me with some shelves in the cottage, and the second time was just a social calling on his part. He's been a great help, and I love spending time with him. With all of my children.

I've also had the pleasure of getting to know my newest grandson. He's so adorable, and very alert! I can't believe how big he is already, and I can't wait to spend more time with him and spoil him, just a bit ;)

Jennifer, I would like to set up an appointment for sometime in the next couple of weeks to see Mackenzie, if that's' okay. I want you there for the appointment, so that Mackenzie knows that she is safe where she is. We can also discuss Mackenzie's past situation, and where we will go from there.

Sami, I know you are mad at me, but I would like it if I could see you sometime soon. I do miss you, and I want to hear more about what has happened with you.

Cassie, honey, please give me a call or drop by when you get a chance. I am worried about you and I would like to talk to you and make sure you're okay.

Oh! And Anna dropped by the other day, and we have a lovely chat over tea (the one thing I don't think I can screw up!) Whether or not others believe it, I am happy for her and Tony. I know that Tony and I drifted apart...but he is happy again, and so am I. I actually like this, for the first time in my life. I have my own space, I decide what happens here, I own it myself. It's a new feeling, but it's one that I like.

Well, I've been making progress on my new home. It's a one level cottage type home in the colonial style. It's small enough for me, but it does have two rooms, so I can have the grandsons (or even the kids) sleep over. I've painted the bathroom and spare room, and I still have so much more to do. It's a lovely little home, and I like seeing how it's turning out so far. It does have a good security system, John made sure of that. It was wonderful of him to offer and with my past history, I was more than willing to accept.

It has a beautiful view of the lake here in Salem, so it feels so peaceful and country-like here. I really do love it.

In other news, I've had a colleague ask me to consult with him on a file about one of his patients. It seems to be a good way to ease myself back into working, so I figured it would be okay. It's an interesting file, and I'm looking forward to getting into it.

Jennifer, Abby mentioned me possibly helping your younger daughter, Mackenzie is it? I hear she had a terrible experience, and I would be interested in helping her cope with it, if you're okay with it. I should be back to my full schedule in a couple of weeks.

Well, I have to go, the delivery man is here with my food. I still can't cook, so delivery it is.

So much has happened over the past few months, I hardly know where to begin.

As a psychiatrist, I understand the good and the power of writing out one's thoughts and feelings. What I am about to write are things that I have been carefully considering.

Ernesto played a horrible trick on Tony and I. He made me believe I was pregnant with Tony's son. We were preparing for this, when we discovered that the pregnancy was a hoax. A terrible, horrible plot by Ernesto that I don't think I will ever understand.

Understandably, I was grief stricken. I was so sure I was pregnant, I swear I could feel him kicking around inside me. BUt he wasn't real, and I felt so foolish. How could I let my own body deceive me?

There are so many of you that I treated so horribly during that time, and all I can say is I'm sorry. I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.

I ended up being taken to a private psychiatric clinic just outside of town for intensive therapy. I know that Tony put me there out of love and grief, hoping that I would get better and understand what was happening. Unfortuantely, during that time Tony and I grew very far apart and are no longer together. I will always love Tony, but the strain of Ernesto's trickery proved too much for us to withstand. He is with Anna now, and I couldn't be happier for them.

I have decided to rent my own place now. I know that the Penthouse was originally mine, but John and I discussed it, and I have no problems letting him have it. I want a fresh start for myself, and he is using the Penthouse to provide a stable, loving home for Chelsea. I know she loves that place, as her sister once did.

One of the things I have learned since this whole ordeal is that I have four beautiful children whom I love and adore, and who I now see desperately need their mother back.

Sami, I am so proud of the woman you have become. I won't deny that I once worried so much about you, but I see that you are doing your best to be a good wife to Lucas and a wonderful mother to Will. I see Will, and I see how good of a job you have done.

Eric, I know you do read this from time to time. I love you and I do miss you terribly. However, I know what a good man you are, and you do both your father and I proud everyday. I know you are pursuing your dreams, and I will always support you in that.

Cassie, I missed so much time with you, and I'm sorry I can't give that to you. Although I no longer live at the mansion, my home is yours, and it always will be. I love you so much, and I want to spend as much time as I can growing closer to you. YOu haven't had it easy, I understand that. BUt I want to be here for you, as your mother.

Belle, sweet Belle. You are going through an extremely rough time right now. But when I saw you with Ben the other night, I see what a wonderful mother you are. I hope that you and Shawn can come to some sort of agreement over things, if only for Ben's sake. Don't worry, my sweet girl, you'll be just fine.

Carrie, you may not be my blood daughter, but I still think of you as my child. I always have, and you've always been a delightful woman to be with. You are a strong woman, Carrie. Be proud of who you are. And I am so glad to see you and Sami getting along at last.

Brady, I know that I will never replace your mother. I know I am no longer your father's wife. But I still love you like you were my son, and I will always treasure the better moments we had.

Chelsea, I know I wasn't married to your father when they discovered you were his and Hope's child. But I still see what potential you have to become a strong woman. If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to call.

I have two grandsons who are strong and healthy. I have a wonderful bevvy of children. I may feel as though I lost one, but by losing Xander, I regained a new and stronger devotion to my children.

Marlena